Local Event Sports Association

B/R Chatter: Inspirational Ipecac

By Revo Boulanger On May - 29 - 2009

Not to be some unfeeling hard ass party pooper, but it’s rare that I’m in an inspirational mood.

Perhaps that’s not quite accurate, what I mean is I’m rarely in a mood that I feel that I need to be inspired.

Don’t get me wrong, B/R has had plenty of interesting and thought provoking articles that inform and touch the inner workings of the thought process, making you understand the pain and sacrifice that a dedicated individual has endured yet still managed to come out either triumphant or achieve some form of greatness.

Unfortunately too many are also syrupy sweet monuments to the writers themselves, looking to make themselves look or feel sensitive and insightful or worse, intelligent and talented.

Inspirational articles are far too often more manipulative and formulaic than a bad Disney film, minus the marginally funny comic relief character. In few words, they frequently suck.

Sport is, of course, a terrific breeding ground for these overcome all odds, chew through the other side of the wall, beat all comers and claim the love of the fans stories. Baseball in particular is historically land marked by rags to riches and overcome adversity tales that could bring a tear to the eye of a cigar-store Indian.

Here’s what I use to gauge if a prospective BR story is soggy tripe:

1) If you get a post on your bulletin board from someone you’ve never heard of, from a community you’ve never frequented, about a subject you have absolutely no interest in, it’s probably crap.

2) If the first four comments end with “POTD and 5stars!” it’s probably crap.

3) If the unknown poster repeats the same post because they noticed that you haven’t commented on it within twelve hours of the original unknown post, it’s not only crap but you should be careful about a diabetic reaction before even thinking about checking it out.

4) If the unknown poster uses the words “I’d like you to check something out, it means a lot to me” then not only is it crap, it should legally be considered an EPA violation.

5) If upon further investigation, the unknown poster has their heartfelt article as their first piece ever on B/R then they are either an alter-ego who feels that they “haven’t got their due” and doesn’t want to screw up their hard-edged fanatical articles or they were recently fired from a greeting card company for being too corny. Do not read these on an empty stomach or broken facial blood vessels will be the result.

Let’s face it; if you’ve been here more than a month, you have a pretty good idea who the real players are in the marketplace. The knowns are the ones that you’ve had some interaction with and have a certain affinity for their writing styles and subject matter

The “unknowns” are combing the site to suck up to the Community Leaders and more popular writers (note that they rarely pester the new writers). These are the targets for the toxic cotton candy that is frequently peddled.

It’s like answering the telephone when you can see that the caller ID has identified them as a network marketing firm, answer one call and you’ll never be able to get rid of them. Let the machine get it, they’ll get tired of trying.

Your best bet? Ignore the post. If they post again, ignore it twice. Eventually the hint will be received.

If that still doesn’t work, and the poster still won’t quit, leave them a message on their bulletin board that simply says: “I read your article”. All lower case, no further elaboration.

This pisses them off as:

A)    They have to think about what that means

B)     They didn’t get that desired “comment” boost to the article

Even if you’ve accidentally read the article, under no circumstances should you leave a comment, no matter what you want to say about how stupid it was. This just opens you up to attacks for being an “insensitive jerk” and an “unfeeling animal”.

Just do like I did, and write an article that demonstrates that not only are you already aware that you are an insensitive jerk and an unfeeling animal, but that life experience has helped you raise those personal issues to a fine art form.

I’d also strongly recommend against commenting on this article in a favorable light, unless you want to advertise to the PC lemmings that you are, indeed, as big an unfeeling insensitive jerk as I have demonstrated myself to be.

Unless, or course, that’s the message you want to send. It may help keep the clutter from building up on your profile page at the very least. You can always blame me.

Who knows, maybe you’ll also save money on tissues; insensitive jerks tend to be pragmatic in that way.

Your toilet will thank you for it.

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